Time to Walk on the Water

So I have been reminded today of what a perfectionist I am-for those of you who don't know, I am a perfectionist to the extreme!! I like everything to be perfect or as close to perfect as possible and because I want my world to be in order I tend to think that I can manipulate and control every aspect of my life. I am an overachiever and have great ambitions- my number one goal in life is to change the world and leave a lasting impression on everyone I meet. I want to do so many things in this life and I constantly feel like I don't have enough time to accomplish the things that are on my list to complete. I want to make such a difference and get the most out of life so I am someone who is always dreaming and planning out all the amazing things I want to do.

I used to think that this was a good thing, a positive quality about myself. But lately I have come to realize how destructive perfectionism can be and how my thinking can keep me from truly understanding and experiencing God's love. I thought that ambitions were good and that it didn't matter how many you had or how idealistic they were. All the great people in history dreamed big right? What I didn't realize in having all these goals was that I was setting myself up for the disappointment that I now feel in myself and in life. I allowed the perfectionistic side of me to make plans and set goals that were not only impossible but not centered on God's plan for me-these misguided ambitions that once looked so promising and fulfilling have now led me astray. They have taken me far from God and far from who I have been created to be!! I believed that in my own power and self-determination, I could accomplish anything I set my heart on, but this just isn't true. I set out to change the world but without the power and direction of the God I have accomplished nothing of value. This has left me with disappointment but not without hope.....

I am disappointed that I have not accomplished more in life or that I am not where I wanted to be when I set out on the journey that was laid before me. My own desires tell me that I need to do more, accomplish more, experience more- but is this really what God wants from me or for any of us?? Is our mission and purpose in life to simply do things that will cross things off God's checklist? There is more that we were created for, there is a bigger vision and greater desire that God has for each one of us. It is the simplest but most empowering truth- I feel freedom and hope in this truth!!! I have lived so many years trapped by my own expectations of myself and by goals that serve no real purpose. I guess it's time to get out of this little box that seems so safe and step out into what God has in store for me...

truth of God > facts of life

Do you ever wonder why life seems to work out for some people and not for others? I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I have been in the midst of constant stress and struggle in life..and while I cry out to God and pray just to get through another day, I see the blessings pour into the lives of others. I see people who are going through life stress free and without any burdens to hold them down and then there is the other extreme-the people who are always going through one trial after another. As much as I love and trust God and know that He has a plan for everything that happens, it is sometimes hard for me to have peace in my heart about this. I have seen so much pain and struggle here..so many hurting and broken people who are desperately trying to find God and yet it seems like He doesn't show His face. He appears to be distant to some but so close to others who are blessed on a daily basis with more than they could ever need or want. Maybe my heart just isn't in the right place but this just doesn't seem fair. I am struggling to believe that this is just how life is--what a sad life it is if this were the case. A sad life for some and a blissfully ignorant life for others who have no idea of how others are struggling. I'm not sure how to reconcile with this and I definitely don't have all the answers. I guess all I can do is pray that God be glorified and honored in all we do regardless of what earthly circumstances we may endure.

So school has once again started for me and I am realizing more than ever what a precious gift time really is- time to eat, time to sleep, time to be with loved ones or time to just relax. Time really is a precious gift, it is precious to have AND to give. I has made me think about how much time I give to others and how much time I spend just doing my own thing. I've noticed that when I get really busy I tend to focus more on myself and less on other people because I think that I don't have time. It's easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and think this because it sometimes feels that way- we do get busy and it seems as though we haven't a spare moment but what we shouldn't have time or space for in our lives in selfishness or self-centeredness. There is too much of that in the world and to be people who are truly loving and giving to others we must give even when it is not easy or convenient for ourselves. Because how much can we say we value serving others if we only do it when it fits our schedules or needs? If only given when convenient, acts of kindness or love become void of any real compassion. I feel we (me included in that) must stop living and loving according to the busyness of life but according to the cries of those in need.