Do Something Scary!!

So I'm reading a book right now called Transparent and it's about getting real with yourself and being honest about who you are. It's a great book for women that has been challenging my thinking lately. This last chapter I read talked about having dreams and being intentional about pursuing the dreams that God places on your heart and to live with courage and purpose. I think this is something that I am definitely working towards but it is hard sometimes to live this way, to live in a way that requires you to constantly be outside of your comfort zone. I have always been a little on the shy and reserved side but I do have the potential to put myself out there when I want to....like right now, even me writing this blog and having it out there for people to read is making my stomach twist in knots-it makes me nervous putting my heart out there for anyone to see!! I actually started this blog years ago as a way to make myself step out of my comfort zone a little bit and as you can tell it wasn't too successful since I just couldn't get myself to write. Now I'm back on it though and I'm determined to become more comfortable sharing my feelings and heart with others. I don't need to be a person who wears my heart on my sleeve and says everything that's on my mind, but I do want to be someone who isn't afraid to state how I feel. I am so self-conscious of things and worry way too much about how people will react to what I think or feel and I don't want to worry about that anymore. SOOO...my stepping out of my comfort zone will begin with blogging and hopefully progress into so much more!! I loved a quote from this book from Eleanor Roosevelt that says "do one thing everyday that scares you." I love it because I think this is such good advice-sounds a little strange but doing something scary everyday will eventually make that scary thing a whole lot less scary until you've conquered your fear of it. When I was in high school I was terrified of interacting with new people. I was super shy and afraid of conversations with strangers or being in community. I hated that I was so afraid of this and began forcing myself to do uncomfortable things. I would go to church alone and make myself sit next to someone-no buffer seats were allowed!! I would sit next to someone and force myself to say hi and introduce myself. What a crazy challenge that was...something that should be so simple but I really struggled with it. I also went on day serving trips by myself so that I would be forced to interact with strangers-this too was interesting but it's funny how much it actually helped. I remember one morning when I was about 15 and I had signed up to go serve in Chicago and I woke up feeling very overwhelmed and nervous about it-I was scared to go by myself and was about ready to cancel. I got this strong feeling though that I should go and that I was meant to go that day so I did. I ended up sitting next to this old lady in the van and we talked the entire way up to Chicago-it was so comfortable talking to her and I was just amazed at how God had provided such a wise and insightful woman for me to share that experience with. It was conversations like those that really helped me to become the person I am today-every experience leaves a mark on your life and I really believe that the "scary" experiences I put myself into were ones that really made a lasting impression on me and have helped me so much in my journey to becoming a more confident person. I was amazed that I was able to get myself out a little more and I actually became a much more open and social person from those experiences. I think there are still areas that need growth but I think that quote is powerful and that doing something scary everyday really does help to challenge you and make you into a stronger person.

God's Amazing Abundance

"How hard is it for the rich to enter the kingdom of God...It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
-Mark 10:23,25-

This verse has been on my heart lately as I have been thinking about the life situation that I am in now. Right now I am facing struggles and tests of all kinds but more than anything I feel like my faith is being challenged because I now find myself in a situation that isn't comfortable or safe. I am in circumstances that feel insecure and require me to surrender everything to God. I am definitely not a materialistic person and I don't value things or money but it's interesting because the more that we have struggled with money the more that it has been a focus in my life, a focus because it is a constant worry and concern. I wish it wasn't and I hate that this is the reality of our life right now but it's true what they say, that people with money don't worry about money because they HAVE it!! Those without money must keep close watch over their money and are therefore more focused on it. I have to be or we wouldn't be able to survive in the situation we have been in over these past few years. It certainly has been a struggle to let go of control and to just surrender it to God but we really have learned so much about God's provision and it hasn't been through times of great financial or material blessing but rather God has shown us provision in times of intense struggle. We have learned about God's love and provision by giving more to other and surrendering control over money that we don't have. We're giving it all to God and it's definitely not easy when you don't have much to give or when you have no safety net to fall back on. We struggle each week with the questions of "what if"...what if our car breaks down and we need money? what if something comes up with our health? There are a million questions that could convince us not to give but that's not what God has called us to. We have been called to give even if it's all that we have!!

The Bible tells stories of those who have been blessed by giving ALL that they have but how many Christ followers actually give everything they can? How many of us just give a little and say we're good Christians? I used to think that what I could do was enough but now I'm seeing that God wants us to give not to the point of it being comfortable and easy...no, he wants us to sacrifice and surrender to Him and His kingdom until it is just that-a sacrifice! A sacrifice isn't easy, it's not safe or comfortable...a sacrifice hurts and causes us to be uncomfortable. That's right guys, the Christian life is not a comfortable one so if you're living a comfortable life, God might be wanting to challenge you to something greater. God doesn't want us to live cozy little lives down here so that we can have everything we want-it's not about us and it's not about collecting stuff! God wants much more than that from His children...He wants us to FULLY live for Him and to never stop giving. He wants us to give this way so that we are completely dependent on Him and not on our own abilities-if we are living and giving in a way that is comfortable and doesn't challenge us spiritually then we aren't doing enough. God has blessed each of us with SO much and He didn't give it to us to hoard it or keep it for ourselves, it is meant to be shared and passed around to all those in need. If I have learned anything in these past 2 years it has been that we all have something to give and that there is freedom in giving...even if you don't have much to give, there is so much that God wants to do with your small gift to Him. I am constantly amazed at how much God continues to provide and bless us-it's not an easy thing to surrender and I still have days that I take back that control and want things to just be better but I believe that we all have exactly what we are meant to have and that in accepting what we have and giving what we can back to God, He blesses us and will always provide for our needs. God is SO good no matter what we are lacking, He is not lacking and promises to give us abundant life!! I'm certainly not experiencing an abundant bank account most days and money is tight most of the time but the abundance God gives in other aways has been an amazing thing to see...what a great and glorious God we serve!!!

Struggles=Blessings?

I've been struggling lately with the idea of God's blessing and favor in people's lives. I have seen different people in my life all living for Jesus and trying their best to live by faith...some are extremely blessed through monetary ways and earthly possessions and others are blessed in more spiritual ways-having peace or feeling faith during hard times. Both are ways that God blesses people-His hand is at work in both situations right? All that we receive in this life is from Him and through Him-all we have is His!!! Both are equally blessed by God right? According to God's word they are but are both equally easy to see God in though? I don't think so...I think it's so easy for us to see God's blessing and work in our lives through what we are given but sometimes we miss what he is doing in us spiritually that is also a blessing. Why does God choose to bless in different ways-why do some people get all the physical blessings of money, health, security, jobs, etc and others who really need those types of blessings never see them? Is it just a matter of what we recognize as God's blessings-are people just missing the blessings or is there really a reason why certain people seem to be blessed more? I have been wrestling with this question for some time as I have been witnessing people suffer and struggle and see others who seem to have it all-it's hard for me to see these disparities and see how God can be a part of both situations yet I know that He is. It just doesn't make sense to me and the more I try to make sense of it the more I question...I'm on a search for answers in all of this, answers and wisdom that can help me to understand better. I know that these answers may not come though-life sometimes just doesn't make sense and life is definitely NOT fair-I have seen this in my life and in the lives of others. It's not fair and it doesn't make any sense at all sometimes. I guess in times like these are when I struggle to see God but in my mind I know He's there, He's always there.

This time of hardship in my life is probably the hardest season I have ever been in and I don't expect it to be the only hard season I face-I feel that God is strengthening me and stretching me in such extreme ways during this experience...I feel He is preparing me for something, something great maybe but definitely something difficult that requires this strength. I heard in a sermon once about how God prepared His people and the pastor used the image of making an arrow to represent God's people-we are his arrow for him to aim and use in this world. To prepare us for this mission though we must be stripped of bark (our sins, impurities, all our earthly ways to become like him), then we must go through the fire (go through hard times to be challenged and grow in strength and faith), and last we must be sharpened (challenged in our faith and sharpened in our knowledge and understanding of god). I love this image because this is EXACTLY what I feel like I am enduring....all at once I feel like I am being stripped of who I am now to become someone new in God, I am going through fire in the difficult circumstances I find myself in and I am being sharpened in faith and strength through it all.

It sounds exciting and like it should be something that really enriches and blesses my life and maybe someday it will but right now I feel terrible. I feel bruised, broken and torn apart-I know God is here and that all of this is in preparation for something in the future but what I have been trying to accept is that nothing in His plan for me may be what I want or it may be much harder than I could ever imagine. God does NOT promise us happiness in this world, He does NOT promise us comfort or security in this world-everyone searching for these things in our fallen and broken world will waste their life searching because it's not here, it's ALL in GOD!!!!! In this past year and half I have been struggling to accept trials and hardships as blessings from God. The bible says to consider is pure joy when we face trials of may kinds but has anyone actually tried to do this? Have you ever thanked God for hard times and struggles? I have been trying to do this for over a year now and I still haven't found it any easier-it goes against everything that is natural in my heart to feel but yet I still try. I'm still struggling to make this something I can do but it's just not easy!! My struggles ARE blessings though because I know that great blessings will come from them-not physical blessings in the form of money or stuff but something much more valuable. I just pray for the perseverance and strength to get through one day after another until I reach the end of this journey and the point when God will reveal himself in all of this!!!

Time to Walk on the Water

So I have been reminded today of what a perfectionist I am-for those of you who don't know, I am a perfectionist to the extreme!! I like everything to be perfect or as close to perfect as possible and because I want my world to be in order I tend to think that I can manipulate and control every aspect of my life. I am an overachiever and have great ambitions- my number one goal in life is to change the world and leave a lasting impression on everyone I meet. I want to do so many things in this life and I constantly feel like I don't have enough time to accomplish the things that are on my list to complete. I want to make such a difference and get the most out of life so I am someone who is always dreaming and planning out all the amazing things I want to do.

I used to think that this was a good thing, a positive quality about myself. But lately I have come to realize how destructive perfectionism can be and how my thinking can keep me from truly understanding and experiencing God's love. I thought that ambitions were good and that it didn't matter how many you had or how idealistic they were. All the great people in history dreamed big right? What I didn't realize in having all these goals was that I was setting myself up for the disappointment that I now feel in myself and in life. I allowed the perfectionistic side of me to make plans and set goals that were not only impossible but not centered on God's plan for me-these misguided ambitions that once looked so promising and fulfilling have now led me astray. They have taken me far from God and far from who I have been created to be!! I believed that in my own power and self-determination, I could accomplish anything I set my heart on, but this just isn't true. I set out to change the world but without the power and direction of the God I have accomplished nothing of value. This has left me with disappointment but not without hope.....

I am disappointed that I have not accomplished more in life or that I am not where I wanted to be when I set out on the journey that was laid before me. My own desires tell me that I need to do more, accomplish more, experience more- but is this really what God wants from me or for any of us?? Is our mission and purpose in life to simply do things that will cross things off God's checklist? There is more that we were created for, there is a bigger vision and greater desire that God has for each one of us. It is the simplest but most empowering truth- I feel freedom and hope in this truth!!! I have lived so many years trapped by my own expectations of myself and by goals that serve no real purpose. I guess it's time to get out of this little box that seems so safe and step out into what God has in store for me...

truth of God > facts of life

Do you ever wonder why life seems to work out for some people and not for others? I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I have been in the midst of constant stress and struggle in life..and while I cry out to God and pray just to get through another day, I see the blessings pour into the lives of others. I see people who are going through life stress free and without any burdens to hold them down and then there is the other extreme-the people who are always going through one trial after another. As much as I love and trust God and know that He has a plan for everything that happens, it is sometimes hard for me to have peace in my heart about this. I have seen so much pain and struggle here..so many hurting and broken people who are desperately trying to find God and yet it seems like He doesn't show His face. He appears to be distant to some but so close to others who are blessed on a daily basis with more than they could ever need or want. Maybe my heart just isn't in the right place but this just doesn't seem fair. I am struggling to believe that this is just how life is--what a sad life it is if this were the case. A sad life for some and a blissfully ignorant life for others who have no idea of how others are struggling. I'm not sure how to reconcile with this and I definitely don't have all the answers. I guess all I can do is pray that God be glorified and honored in all we do regardless of what earthly circumstances we may endure.

So school has once again started for me and I am realizing more than ever what a precious gift time really is- time to eat, time to sleep, time to be with loved ones or time to just relax. Time really is a precious gift, it is precious to have AND to give. I has made me think about how much time I give to others and how much time I spend just doing my own thing. I've noticed that when I get really busy I tend to focus more on myself and less on other people because I think that I don't have time. It's easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and think this because it sometimes feels that way- we do get busy and it seems as though we haven't a spare moment but what we shouldn't have time or space for in our lives in selfishness or self-centeredness. There is too much of that in the world and to be people who are truly loving and giving to others we must give even when it is not easy or convenient for ourselves. Because how much can we say we value serving others if we only do it when it fits our schedules or needs? If only given when convenient, acts of kindness or love become void of any real compassion. I feel we (me included in that) must stop living and loving according to the busyness of life but according to the cries of those in need.