So I have been reminded today of what a perfectionist I am-for those of you who don't know, I am a perfectionist to the extreme!! I like everything to be perfect or as close to perfect as possible and because I want my world to be in order I tend to think that I can manipulate and control every aspect of my life. I am an overachiever and have great ambitions- my number one goal in life is to change the world and leave a lasting impression on everyone I meet. I want to do so many things in this life and I constantly feel like I don't have enough time to accomplish the things that are on my list to complete. I want to make such a difference and get the most out of life so I am someone who is always dreaming and planning out all the amazing things I want to do.
I used to think that this was a good thing, a positive quality about myself. But lately I have come to realize how destructive perfectionism can be and how my thinking can keep me from truly understanding and experiencing God's love. I thought that ambitions were good and that it didn't matter how many you had or how idealistic they were. All the great people in history dreamed big right? What I didn't realize in having all these goals was that I was setting myself up for the disappointment that I now feel in myself and in life. I allowed the perfectionistic side of me to make plans and set goals that were not only impossible but not centered on God's plan for me-these misguided ambitions that once looked so promising and fulfilling have now led me astray. They have taken me far from God and far from who I have been created to be!! I believed that in my own power and self-determination, I could accomplish anything I set my heart on, but this just isn't true. I set out to change the world but without the power and direction of the God I have accomplished nothing of value. This has left me with disappointment but not without hope.....
I am disappointed that I have not accomplished more in life or that I am not where I wanted to be when I set out on the journey that was laid before me. My own desires tell me that I need to do more, accomplish more, experience more- but is this really what God wants from me or for any of us?? Is our mission and purpose in life to simply do things that will cross things off God's checklist? There is more that we were created for, there is a bigger vision and greater desire that God has for each one of us. It is the simplest but most empowering truth- I feel freedom and hope in this truth!!! I have lived so many years trapped by my own expectations of myself and by goals that serve no real purpose. I guess it's time to get out of this little box that seems so safe and step out into what God has in store for me...
